Questions to ask before moving in together
A lot of the friction in a shared home is ordinary stuff: who pays for what, who cleans what, and how much time alone each of you needs. These are easier to talk about before the lease is signed than after the first argument about dishes.
Here are 35 cards from the Couplete app, grouped by topic. You do not need to agree on everything. The point is to find out where you differ while it is still cheap to plan around.
Play them as cards
Money, Home & Life
How did your family talk about money when you were growing up?
How to use them
- Take one section per evening. Five short conversations go better than one long interrogation.
- Answer for yourself first, then ask. “I need about two evenings a week on my own” is more useful than “how much space do you need?”
- Write down anything you actually decide: who pays which bill, the spending limit you agreed on, the chore split. Memories of what was agreed tend to drift.
Money
How you each think about money matters more than the exact numbers.
- How did your family talk about money when you were growing up?
- Are you a spender or a saver? What makes you say that?
- How do you feel about sharing bank accounts?
- What's an amount of money you think we should talk about before spending?
- Is there any debt or money stress you carry that we haven't really talked about?
- How would you feel if one of us earned a lot more than the other?
- Rent or buy? What is your honest feeling about it?
- Action card: Each write down your top 3 spending priorities for the next year. Compare lists.
Chores and standards
“Clean enough” means different things to different people. Find out now.
- What chore do you secretly hate the most?
- What is your definition of "clean enough"?
- What household task do you actually enjoy?
- Is there a chore you wish I'd just take over completely?
- How do you feel about hiring help — cleaning, cooking, anything?
- Who handles the "invisible" tasks — remembering birthdays, appointments, groceries? Does that feel okay?
Space, time and routines
Living together removes the natural breaks you had when you lived apart.
- How much alone time do you need in a week to feel like yourself?
- Are you a morning person or a night owl? Be honest.
- What's your favorite way to unwind after a long day?
- How do you feel about how we spend our weekends?
- How do you feel about our social calendar — too much, too little, just right?
- What's a routine you would like us to have?
- How do you feel about having a shared calendar?
Where and how you want to live
This home is probably not the last one. It helps to know which direction each of you is facing.
- What does your ideal home look like — city or countryside, big or small?
- Where do you see us living in five years?
- How important is living close to family for you?
- Would you ever move to another country for a job — yours or mine?
- How should we handle holidays with both families?
- Do you have any pets, or a pet you'd love to have?
- What are you most looking forward to when you think about our everyday life together?
How you handle disagreements
Sharing a home means more chances to disagree. It is easier to agree on how before you need to.
- When we argue, what do you need from me most — space, a hug, or to be heard?
- Do you tend to go quiet or get loud when upset? Why do you think that is?
- How long do you need to cool down before you can talk things through?
- Do you prefer to fix things the same night, or sleep on it?
- How do you like to make big decisions — lots of research, gut feeling, or talking it out?
- What's one word or gesture we could agree on that means "pause, let's cool down"?
- Action card: Agree on your pause word right now. Then practice using it once, playfully.
If one answer worries you, that is the list working. Better to hear it on the sofa now than to find it out from a pile of laundry.
These cards come from the Money, Home & Life, First Dates, Hobbies & Leisure and How We Fight decks in the Couplete app, which has 670 cards in 12 decks.